I’m blah. Hard to explain. I’ve been doing a lot of deep soul-searching (like I don’t overdo that to begin with) and I keep thinking about my relationship with DomDoc.
Shall I go into the blissful details of being with him last night and today? Or shall I forge full-steam ahead to the latest news?
How about an abbreviated version of the former with lots of time to reflect on the latter?
He came over really late last night. Lots of traffic. Bad weekend at home. He was in need of comfort and pampering when he got here. Please recall, that I’d had such a rough week and was in need of the same, but my mood had passed and he was in full awfulness. So. He got the stroking and pampering and loving. Don’t get me wrong, I got world class sex (Mostly doggie style with him teasing me. Me bent over my new wedge and enjoying every single thrust). Yay! Great sex. orgasms. touching. tears (what, you don’t know me by now? My face leaks pure emotion when I’m with him). Then after he touched and played with me for the longest time, he curled up and he got to be the little spoon (his expression for the person being spooned) and it’s hard to explain how gentle I was with him. As though he was this fragile being who needed my strong touch. It was beautiful, me curled around him, my touch healing him. Then he wanted a massage and I was in my subby state where touching him makes me melt deeper. And so a lot of the time was me taking comfort from his skin under my hands.
This morning, we were both very tired. Sex was just fantastic. We haven’t had anal sex in a really long time, and I know it’s on the agenda and he wants it, but my super tight asshole makes it less than an ideal or easy act. So I thought I’d be grimacing and trying not to cry as he shoved that giant thing up my ass (that’s the part I dread. The part before I melt into pure pleasure), but no. Today was more gentleness. Touch was key today. Oh, there was spanking on both ass and pussy. Nipple pinching. Him spreading me and telling me that he was going to share my pussy with strangers, but mostly tenderness.
He needed a nap, since he’s going to work really late tonight into this morning. And when he finally roused himself (and before I helped him come). He asked if I’d gotten any since we’ve been together last. He likes to know who I’m fucking. He likes to know that I am fucking other men. I’m tired of it. I hate dating. I need love. Did I just say that? Why, yes. Yes, I did. It isn’t fair to meet someone you’ve been waiting your entire life for, only to find out that you’ll only ever be just one among many.
Which leads me to the blah inducing part.
I won’t be seeing him next week, he’s traveling with one of his subs. And he mentioned how anxious he was to have come over last night, because then it would have been nearly a month without seeing me. And I told him I’d have dumped him, had he done that. I was joking. He took me seriously. And fuck, if I didn’t experience a tiny electric moment of feeling I had some power in our relationship and over him. But then I realized that I might truly have hurt him by saying that, so I tried to mollify him.
And more blah.
I sort of suspected he had some new partners, but it’s always a shock. Two new women. Two. One is from years ago. One is vanilla. And I have to say, it bugged the shit out of me that he said he’d be adding one of them as a play partner on Fetlife. It took him over a year to add me. A fucking year until he could make nice with his existing subs and declare me his. And then a day or two after that, he added another long-term play partner of his and his sub’s (they’re big on threesomes in his household).
And so he told me. About not one, but two new-ish women. Sure they’re both going to be play partners to both him and one of his subs, but I just felt a bit deflated. And he’d told me to suck his cock. We both know how I can disappear into sucking his cock and rubbing my face in him, but I was distracted by his news. And what can I say, uninspired. And he asked me, as he frequently does “Are you a lucky girl?” and I just shrugged. Because you know what? I’m not that sure sometimes. I’m not exactly sure what we discussed just after that, but I did tell him that I needed him to remind me that I’m special. And he did. And there is so much that he does for me and for us. But. Shrugs. I don’t feel all that lucky just now. It isn’t that either of these women take away from his time with me. He’s always described himself as a dog. And the man chases (and gets) more pussy than any man I’ve ever known. But sometimes it just feels all too much. Him and his subs and his life of constant pursuit and newness when I want to be admired and loved and adored instead of filled in on the latest conquests. It’s numbing sometimes.
I’m not sure that ongoing polyamory is for me. I’ve never been sure that I could handle his lifestyle. I swear that I don’t know how his two full-time subs do it. It’s not that I’m rabidly jealous, that emotion has definitely ebbed over the time we’re together. I’m just tired. I just need things that he can’t give me. I’ve gone from being needy for the first time in my life, to being someone who allows herself to need. And I need a hell of a lot more than this. And loving him and being with him makes me realize what I want. What I deserve. I deserve more. And again, it’s a quality/quantity thing. Sex with him. Cuddles with him. Touching him. It’s all more intense than a year of mad fucking with other men. But he’s made me realize what I can have and I want it. And if I can’t have it with him, I need to find the person who can share this with me.
It’s not his fault. Neither of us could have predicted that I’d fall madly in love with him. I certainly could never have predicted that we’d still be together. But. I need to feel a lot more crucial to someone than I do now.
I know that I mean a lot to him. Maybe not as much as he means to me, but he deeply cares and we are sooooo good together. So good. But I feel a bit melancholy just now instead of floating in the afterglow.
Shrugs once more for good measure.